


Changes

by AK_wrote_fics



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, No Smut, Other, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Prison Spencer Reid, Sad Aaron Hotchner, Sad Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Sad Penelope Garcia, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:15:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29282853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AK_wrote_fics/pseuds/AK_wrote_fics
Summary: After Spencer commits suicide, the team has to go on like nothing happened but there is a dark heavy cloud following them all
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr., Penelope Garcia/Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid/Ethan Stewart
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	1. The Note

‘I’ve been going through the motions  
Learning how to pretend  
That everything is perfect’

And I've been sinking in an ocean  
Drowning but I'm silent  
Yet everyone thinks I'm afloat

It’s been this way since I was young.  
The feeling like everybody notices the brain I have yet nobody notices the pain behind my eyes. As if the world spun wether I was going along with it or not. Who honestly care if I was spinning along with it.  
Day after day, I put on the fake smile that the team knows me by. They’re all profilers. It’s their job to notice how depressed I have been lately.  
Wether its the small smiles that I give them as I walk into the bullpen at the beginning of the day, or making pasta with the team at Rossi’s mansion. It’s always a facade. A facade from the pain I see every day once I return home, to nothing and nobody. The days seem to get longer and the seconds slow when I get home. Scientifically I know that the seconds slowing down is not at all possible, yet there’s no other way to describe it.  
I wake up in the morning.  
Shower.  
Brush my teeth.  
Get dressed.  
Get coffee.  
Go to work.  
Find the sick sons of bitches that have the soul to kill innocent people.  
Go home alone.  
Fight with sleep until the next sunrise and I do it all over again.  
It was a pattern that not even me, with my IQ of 187, could figure out how to break. I would stare at the ceiling thinking about how I have nobody to love and nobody to come home to. Lately my mother has gotten bad. The hospital told me to come and say goodbye on her final lucid days and I decided htat that would be my goodbye to her and from her.  
And this is when I find myself sitting here, writing my suicide notes.

To my team and the only people I consider family,  
there was nothing you could have done. I was wired like this since I was kidnapped and addicted to drugs. When the brain becomes so reliant on one thing, the neurons misfire and, well this is no time for an explanation because I am sure you ll know how depression works. As a profiler, I know that you will all feel guilty for not seeing the signs but I knew what you would look for and hid it.Yet the past few weeks have been the worst of my life by far. Ive become sick of just being me. I hate being the skinny green bean kid that everyone looks over when it comes to things other than my knowledge. I have this cloud of self hate following me around that I mask by my little waves and smiles. Yet I covered everything I did so that not even the people that care and love me could see all the pain and hurt behind my eyes. Yet I see it and only that when I have to look into the mirror every morning afternoon and night. The way I have to sit thinking about all of the horrible crap we see all day and not being able to shut down the computer running all of this. It’s ironic if you really think about it; the technophobe with a computer that refuses to turn off. I have finally given up and accepted the fact that I am broken beyond repair and there is nothing anybody can do to help me and my messed up stupid brain.  
Derek, thank you for being my rock. You were there person I could come to when I needed advice or when I just wanted someone to be with me. I could not begin to tell you how happy I am that we grew so close. You are my brother and best friend and I can never thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me. Please, make sure Hank knows me. Make sure he knows that I never meant to abandon him like my own father but that I did this because he doesn’t deserve a sad depressed uncle. He deserves the world and I hope he knows that when he grows up. JJ and Emily, you two are like my sisters and I love you both so much but Jesus Christ, just get together already. In all seriousness, please know that I love you both too much to even describe. JJ, I’m leaving Henry and Michael all of my books. I need them to know that I truly thought of them every single day and that they will always be in my heart with me no matter what. Aaron and Dave. My dads because the real one ran out on me. Thank you for both being the father figures that I could come to with any problems or just to talk to after a long stressful case. You were the two that were always there and I mean ALWAYS there tif I needed and I hope you both know how much I appreciate everything you have ever done for me because it made lasting just one day longer, worth every second. Finally I get to Garcia. My Penelope. If I was not writing this right here, I would definitely giving up on my germ thing to hug you. I just want to feel you one more time yet I know that a simple act for you would make me stay one day longer and I just cant do that anymore. You have always been the smiling face for me, after a long case, or after visiting my mom, you were the sunshine to my dark dusky cloud and I will always remember the warmth your smile brought me when I was down.  
I beg you all, move on but remember one thing. I love you. I know I rarely said it but I truly do. I love you all, and germs be damned, I wish I had hugged you more. That is my only regret as I write this. To the person or people that find me. I am truly sorry for this. I truly never meant to hurt you guys but this is just how I was destined to be.  
-Spencer Reid, Pretty Boy, Boy Genius, etc


	2. JJ

It was me who found Spencer. In his bathroom with a syringe in his palm and 4 vials of Dilaudid next to him.  
It had been three days since Spencer was at work. We could tell there was something bothering him lately and he was more out of it and distance than usual, but nobody thought anything of it. He decided to go visit his mother for two days so we all assumed that she was having troubles with her medication or her condition. This however, was not the case at all. It turns out Spencer took his time off to say goodbye to his mom for the final time. When Spencer came back home, he told us that he would be out of work for another day but he would be the day after. The problem with texting is that you can never tell how a person is feeling or feel the expressions they give off over the phone.

BAU group chat:

Spencer: Hey guys, just got back from visiting my mom. I will be home tomorrow for a personal day but I will be returning to work the day after tomorrow.

Me: Sounds good Spence! Hows your mom?

Garcia: Baby genius I miss you like crazy!!!!

Spence: I miss you all too. I will see you all in two days.

And that was the last I heard from him. Having Garcia look through his credit card history was even worse. Knowing it was his last day, Spencer decided to use his credit cards and max them out on his drugs. He made no other phone calls other than to his dealer and we were the last people to talk to him. On the day he was supposed to return to work, he was late. Spencer Reid is never late. Ever. However, we thought nothing of it. He simply got coffee from a new shop or he missed the metro and had to wait for the next one. That was until it was lunch time and he had yet to get to work. When we all agreed that I should go check on him, I drove over to his apartment and that is when I knew something was off. It was nothing that I heard or saw but what I felt. It was bad. The feeling like something bad is happening and there is no escaping the horrible thing that I am experience yet I don’t know what it is. I knocked. And knocked. And knocked. No answer. I decided to use the ‘in case of emergency only’ key to Spencers apartment and body, do I wish I never did that. As I open the door, I am hit with the smell of none other than a dead body. I was frozen in place but somehow my legs kept moving. As I walked closer to the smell, I saw two mismatched socks and chuckled lightly. I knew in that moment that I would find my best friend, lying on the ground, dead. There was no stop to the tears once the first one escaped my eye. There was a constant stream yet I knew I needed to keep walking. That’s when I saw it. Spencer Reid, on the floor of his bathroom, with a tourniquet on his arm and a needle in his hand. And the worst part, 4 vials of Dilaudid lying next to him. The rest was an out of body experience. I see myself calling Hotch and telling him to come quick but I feel nothing. I watch as the team rushes in and finds the mess that I see, that is Spencer Reids dead body and his drug. Its all too much. Too much for me. I feel dizzy. No No No No I cant breathe I cant breathe but I cant talk. All the sudden, I feel two pairs of strong hands catch me and hold me as the sobbing starts. Shortly after that is when the screaming comes in. All I can think of is why. Why would he do this. Why was I the one that found him? Why?

Its now a week later and Spencers funeral. This truly has been the hardest day of my life. Seeing that long, wooden box, knowing exactly what it carried. Not only my best friend, but the inly person that could make me smile on the darkest of days and comfort me during the lowest of lows. He is now gone and today was when it truly hit me. As I watched Derek, Aaron, David, Will, and Ethan walking down the path to the burial site, I couldn’t help but think about how he was there, laying still in time, never to be heard or seen again. This was my breaking point. I couldn’t stop myself. As the men placed Spencer onto the ground, I feel Will come up behind me and hold me just like I needed. I finally let it go. I collapsed into his arms, silently wailing as to not draw attention to myself. As the service and memorial goes on, all I can do is sit and sob thinking about how I should have been there. How I should have been able to tell that he was in such a dark place, all alone, with even his best friend ignoring the signs. Maybe I was just too close to see the bigger picture, but I know I will never let this go. As the service concludes, I know the hardest part is about to come and I can only brace myself for the horrid feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. Briefly remembering what Spencer wrote to me in his letter, I walk over to Emily and gently grasp her hand in mine. I know that we will never be able to confess just how much we love each other, but for now, it will have to do. Spencers casket is finally being lowered into the ground. There has never been a minute in my life that has gone slower. The clanking of the gears being turned is one of the many haunting sounds of the day. Next comes the burial itself. We had all made a commitment to ourselves and Spencer that every single inch of the grave will be filled by the people that care about him and I was not going to give up that last promise to him. As we all stand there shoveling the dirt onto his casket, the tears seem like they are never ending. One after another, they rundown my face into the ground around the grave that holds my best friend. I will never hold him again, I will never feel his warmth fill a room, I will never see him hug my children again. I am in pain, and it seems to have no end. Jennifer Jareau will forever be searching for the light at the end of the tunnel, yet she knows that the only thing she is looking for is a way to not blame herself.


	3. Aaron

Spencer. Of all people in the world, it was Spencer. Not some random person across the country that we all feel bad for then moved on. This was out resident genius and the sweetest soul you could ever find anywhere.

It was the middle of the work day on Thursday. Spencer came to me requesting some personal days to go see his mother. I had assumed, along with the rest of the team, his mothers condition was getting worse. We all thought that that was the cause of his foul mood lately. I guess we were wrong. After he got back and it was his day to return to work, he was late. Spencer is never late. He calculates exactly how long everything will take, from getting his coffee to brushing his teeth. Today though, Spencer Reid was late. Not a good sign. We all thought he may have just slept through his alarm or missed his metro, but it was soon lunch time. Spencer had yet to show up to the office and we were all getting worried. I knew that Spencer gave JJ a key to his apartment for emergencies and sent here there to see if Spencer was home. Nothing could have ever prepared me for what was about to happen.

In the 20 minutes that it took JJ to drive to Reids apartment, I went over every single possibility to Reid’s tardiness. Not one of which was what ended up being the case. I thought to myself, ‘hey maybe he over slept and just forgot to call’ or ‘oh no, Reid was kidnapped again and we have to go find him’. None of the stories I thought of could have prepared me for the call I got from JJ after arriving at Spencer’s apartment. 

“A-Aaron….. Its not g-good. N-n-no! SPENCER WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!?!” 

And the line goes dead to the sound of sobs and screams. Its bad. Thats all I can think as I make my next move. “Derek, Penelope, Dave! Spencers apartment. Now.” We all took our SUV and thank god for no policemen out today and government issued cars because the speed we were driving at was definitely not a legal one. As we all race up the stairs to Spencers apartment number 23, the screams and wailing become clearer and we can tell that its JJ. The heaviness of the atmosphere was so indescribable and I would later go back and try to explain just how I felt in that moment. Knowing that Spencer was dead, yet not being able to accept the fact that my favorite team member was no longer living on this earth. It was something I was not able to process even with Haley, but at least then I heard the confirmation that she was dead. I have talked to Spencer since we texted that he would be returning today. What was the last thing I said to him? When will I ever get my closure from him? We opened the door to Spencers apartment and the immediate smell of leather and books hit us but there was the strong undertone of death. No other way to describe the smell. Just death. The air was heavy, and our senses were overloaded.  
The smell of Spencer and death.  
The sight of the tall lanky genius, dead.  
The sounds of muffled cries and loud, long wails.  
The taste of blood on my tongue as I try my best to keep it together, failing miserably.  
The feeling of utter sadness. The feeling like this is never going to end.  
The next thing I know, Derek and I are catching a falling JJ, clinging to me as if her life depended it. All I could do was hold her and sob, laying in the hallway of our dead best friend. I sat there holding her for what felt like hours, remembering all of the times that Spencer and I would talk on a flight home, just letting him spout his crazy facts about topics on our conversation. What I would give right now to hear his rambling. As JJ’s sobs start to slow down and she starts breathing more evenly, I realize the pounding headache I have. I soon dozed off along with JJ, so exhausted by my own feelings, laying in the hallway of a now irrelevant building. I dream of him. I have vivid dreams, hearing his voice, seeing his smile, and feeling his presence. I wake up, tears streaming down my face, only looking forward to when I can sleep again and see him for one last time.

At Spencers funeral, I was chosen as one of the pallbearers. The most somber yet honoring things I have ever done. Knowing that I, Aaron Hotchner, am carrying Spencer Reid in my hands. Spencer was a light and relatively small person, yet this was the heaviest thing I have ever carried. The thought of this young man, never to ramble again, or find love, or have children, crushes my soul like no other. Jack was the best gift I could have ever had and even without Haley, I am constantly reminded of her. Spence had nobody and his name will never live on. His death is one to add to the horrid events of my life and today was the worst day of my life. I couldn’t keep up my stone cold work persona. I needed to cry. My lips and cheeks were bleeding from me holding it all in and seeing Spencer’s few close friends all crowded around his casket was it. With a cough to muffle a sob, I stepped aside and only made it to my car to find an old grocery bag and vomit. The pain was too much to handle. I burst out sobbing and screaming in my car. This hasn’t happened in too long. It is as if all of my stone cold faces have left my soul and all I could do was cry and wonder what I could have done to save him. I made my way back to the ceremony as they were lowering Spencer into the ground. As the team and Spencers friends pick up shovels and begin shoveling the dirt, the sound of the dirt hitting the casket is so dark and horrid. It is almost too much to handle. All I can think about is how Im going to tell jack that Uncle Spencer is not coming over again. How is he going to tell his son that the person that promised to teach him magic tricks on his birthday is never going to teach him how to do magic. The tears are streaming and leaving fire in their wake. Anger courses through his veins, not at Spencer for committing suicide, but to himself, for not realizing what was actually happening.

Aaron Hotchner spends every single day pondering what his life would be like if he had just paid attention and let reality hit him.


	4. David

The kid was late. No, not like 5 minutes late. He was late by an hour. Yes, we all brushed it ooff as him over sleeping or finding a new coffee shop. Aaron decided to go send JJ to go see how Spencer was and I decided to retreat to my office and get started on some paper work. That was until I hear the commanding sound of Hotch’s yell.

“Derek, Penelope, Dave! Spencers apartment. Now.”

I knew it was serious when I saw Aaron’s face. It was not his usual ‘I am boss, do what I say and I will show no emotion’ face, no no, it was his ‘there’s something seriously wrong, do what I say’ face. I followed him into the car and we sat in silence the whole ride. Not an uncomfortable silence. Just a suspenseful silence because we knew it was going to be bad. As the car pulls up to Spencers apartment in record time, we all race up the stairs and, as we approach the door, the shrill sounds of JJ’s crying and screaming fill my ears. There is no other way to describe the sounds other than horrible. “WHY SPENCER WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!?!” Among all of the horrible things we see on a daily basis, this is definitely the worst site to ever be presented with.Spencer lying on his bathroom floor, with a needle and Dilaudid. The second thing I see is JJ, trying her best to stay standing but falling into the embrace of Aaron. I could not wrap my head around the fact that Spencer, somebody who recognized me as a dad and I saw as a son, so beyond pale and lifeless. I was the one that called the paramedics. I was the only one that had stopped the flood of tears. If you ask me looking back on the event, I will tell you that the worst feeling is being so devastated that you are not only speechless, but tearless. Nothing was coming out. My body could not produce enough self care to cry. As the paramedics arrived to the scene, we had all made our way into Spencers living room to find comfort but still be there as they took him away. Finally, as the adrenaline of the situation died down and I was comfortably seated on Spencers couch, the tears made their big appearance. My son. The kid. Rolling away on a stretcher in a body bag. Your children are not supposed to die before you. They are supposed to be there in your time of need and see you off and, even though Spencer and I have no biological relation, he was my son and always will be my son. 

I had to keep reading his letter over and over to comprehend the fact that this was it. This was the end of the constant teasing, the teachers assistant look that suited him perfectly, the rambling. God how badly I will miss the rambles. In this moment, I would rather hear the entire encyclopedia recited back to me, just to have out of the situation I currently find myself in.

I paid for his funeral in full. I could not bear the thought of Spencer having a small, shabby funeral. The kid deserved the world and, if this was the least I could do, I would do it 100 times again however, I hope to never feel this type of pain once more than I have to. This was easily the worst day of my life. No divorce ever made me feel as depressed and helpless as this one had. None of my marriages ever resulted in kids and when I first met Spencer and grew close with him, he had become like a child to me. I used to invite him over to talk, drink wine, make pasta (and obviously hear the origin story of the type of pasta I was making) and not once, did I notice how he actually was feeling. Just last week I had him over and he seemed fine. He was the awkward genius that refused to drink even the smallest amount of alcohol and now he is dead, being lowered into the ground, for nobody to see him again. This. This, I will regret for the rest of my life. I will contemplate the next move I made for all of eternity and I wish could go back and change it. I walked away. I walked away from my team, my family, my son. I walked away from the last promise that I made to Spencer because it was too much for me to handle. How stupid could I be. Spencer was dead and I just walked away because it was too hard? I don’t know what I was thinking at the time, but I kick myself for that every single waking moment.

David Rossi will spend every single day on earth thinking about how he is too weak and how he could have done better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is such a short chapter I just didnt have a lot to write from Rossi's perspective. I HOWEVER promise to have very long next few chapters from the pov of Emily, Derek and Penelope <33


	5. Emily Prentiss

Emily

I had been working at Interpol for about 3 months when I got the call. It was the middle of a work day and I was expecting a call, so when I answered blindly and heard sobbing in the background, I knew it was not a legal counselor.

“ *sobs* Em….”  
“Jayge, hey what’s going on?!”  
“Prentiss you need to come home. As soon as you can. Please its an emergency” I hear Derek’s voice, cracking as he speaks.  
“Derek, JJ, calm down I’m sure well all be all right. What happened?”  
“Its Spence…” I hear JJ break into heart wrenching sobs as Hotch takes the phone from her.  
“Emily you need to come home. Its Spencer. He killed himself yesterday.” For the first time in a while, I can hear Hotch struggling to hold it all together.  
‘Oh- oh my god. Im getting there as soon as possible. Im leaving my office right now I promise Im coming home” 

Spencer Reid has killed himself. At first, I thought it wasn’t real. No. Spencer Reid is strong. Spencer Reid would not kill himself. Thats what I thought at least. But it was real. JJ’s sobs were real. The noises of my team crying was real. It was all too real. I knew that this was not a case like mine. They see Spencers dead body, there is no chance that he’s still alive. I fall to the floor in my office, dropping my phone as soon as I hang up. Several agents come running in to see if I’m ok but I just need to be alone. I kick them all out with my last full breath and I proceed to have a panic attack. It feels as if my glass windows are suddenly steel, and they’re closing in, and fast. My breathing starts to even out after a few minutes but the weight of that phone call is still there; crushing in on my lungs, making me rethink everything. When was the last time I called him? How did he sound? How could have I stopped this. This must be how Spencer felt when I ‘died’. Maybe moving to Interpol was a bad idea. Was I the one final straw that made him give up?

I found a flight to DC as soon as possible. Walking through the airport was the most stressful past of this whole process. Too many people crowding around me, and the anxiety of getting there ass soon as possible was running high. I think I was still in shock, looking back on it. I was like a robot on autopilot. I hadn’t had a chance to comprehend the fact that someone that I considered a friend and little brother was now dead. The rest of the flight seemed to go as if I was on auto pilot. I refused to drink anything or eat. All I could do was sit in my thoughts. What if I adjust stayed? Would he still be alive if I never left? How did I not notice how bad he was getting? I couldn’t shut off the invasive thoughts from spilling out, but I refused to break down ion an airplane. I had to hold it in. When I finally landed, I caught a cab to Spencers apartment, where I assumed they would be. I was dreading the thought of having to be in Spencers apartment at all. Thankfully, they all went back to Quantico before I arrived. As I walked through the familiar doors to the BAU, I could feel how heavy the air was. It was like walking into a mood sucking vacuum. The sight of my team so puffy eyed, broken, and hurt, sitting together, was enough to rip my heart in two. I immediately went too JJ. I knew she needed to hug me and all I did was hold her as we both let silent tears roll down our faces. Next was Penelope. Her hug was not the usual, bubbly excited hug. No, it felt as though the hug carried the weight of the world on it. I hugged the rest of the team at once, but there was obviously a missing piece. Spencer. He was not there to greet me.Not there too tell me exactly how long it had been since I saw him last. The thought of the last time I hugged him was replaying in my head.

At his funeral, I couldn’t stop playing the hug in my head. This had been the car for the past week. All I could do was cry and cry and cry while thinking about Spencers hugs. They’re the best. They were the best. His arms would wrap around you so perfectly, holding you like its was the last thing he was ever going to do. In the rare occasion he hugged a team member, they never wanted it to end. At least I never wanted his hugs to end. What I would do for a Spencer Reid hug right now. As if JJ could read my thoughts, I could feel her come up to me and grab my had. As her head rested on my shoulder, I thought about the part of the letter that Spencer wrote to me and Jayge. I knew we loved each other an dit was obvious, but this was not the place or time, and I knew there never would be the right place or time. I guess I will just have to live my life thinking about the possibilities that could have happened in another world. The tears were now a never ending stream and I was ok with it in that moment. We all contributed to helping cover the casket. Shovel by shovel, it took us hours, but every single second was worth it. It was closure. Something I never thought I would need from Spencer Reid, but in this moment, I knew I was doing the right thing. Leaving him, alone 6 feet underground, to be there forever, was the hardest part. On the car ride back to my hotel I fell asleep and had dreams of Spencer. Spencer as a dad, Spencer getting married, Spencer becoming head of the FBI. I now know that that will all be left to my imagination.

Emily Prentiss will spend the rest of her life second guessing her career choices and self sabotaging her relationships, in fear of losing loved ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i write this instead of doing homework? yes, is that a problem? no.


	6. Derek

It all seemed like it was going to be a good day. I got up and made breakfast like I do every morning and then worked out. I showered and got dressed for work. Nothing out of the ordinary. That was until I got to work. I was excited because Reid was coming back from seeing his mother after 4 days and, to be honest, I missed him. All his funny rambling and awkward flusters when I call him silly names, and don’t get me started on the coffee. I walked through the doors to the BAU expecting to see Spencer sitting at his desk as usual. He always gets to work before me for some quiet time to work. But he wasn’t there. Maybe he was taking another day and I misunderstood Hotch. My fault. I brushed it off until JJ casein. Reid was also always there before her. I heard her talking to Hotch on the catwalk.

“Wheres Spence? I thought he was coming back today”

“He is. I haven’t heard anything from him. I assume he slept through his alarm. He could use it though.”

“Ok. Ill text him and see if he answers”

As we all started working, JJ had yet to hear from him, but we all got into the flow oof work, and hadn’t noticed his absence until lunch. Garcia came out of her cave to grab lunch and sit with us. Hotch told JJ to go to Spencers apartment because he was late and was not answering texts and calls. How did I not see it. Reid is never late. Spencer Reid is never late unless he tells someone that he will be late. Something happened to Spencer Reid and I can assure you, I don’t think it will be good. As we all sat at our desks eating lunch together, Hotch runs out of his office yelling at us to get into the SUV. We all stood, confused as all hell, until he yelled at us that it was Spencer. There were no words needed after that. We all left without a care for our unfinished work. I wish that I could have prepared myself for what would happen once I stepped into the apartment number 23. Hotch gave us no words as to why we were speeding towards Spencers apartment therefore none of us asked. 

God how I wish I could go back in time. Back in time when Spencer was alive. Back in time to when I was talking to him over the phone and he sounded off. Back in time to when I could have heard his broken voice and find him crying. Back in time when I could have done something. But it was too late. I was too late. Too busy with myself that I couldn’t even realize that my best friend and little brother was in such a dark place that suicide was his only option.

The sight of JJ laying on the ground outside of Spencers bathroom was one that would forever be burned into my eyes, along with the sight of Spencer, my Spencer Reid, laying on the floor of his bathroom. Dead. Drugged. Lifeless. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I would carry on from this. I cant. I cant just move on as if Spencers death meant nothing.

JJ was done for. Sobbing and screaming, Aaron and I caught her and he held her. I was weak. I was too weak to hold my coworker because I myself, was dying from the inside. I couldn’t fathom the fact that my best friend was dead. Yes, I saw him lying there, and I saw him getting carried off by the paramedics. But I couldn’t get over the fact that he is not alive anymore. He is no longer going to read books for breakfast, ramble about random facts while were on a case, he will never go on another case with us. Spencer Reids chair will soon be occupied by someone else, and he will never be back to take his seat across from me. For 14 years, I went into work with the knowledge that Spencer redid would be there to sit across from me every day. The desk across from mine will always be Pretty Boy’s desk, and I don’t see how that seat will ever be filled, other than with the sorrow that I feel.

When it finally came time for his funeral, I was done of the people that had to carry his casket. No matter how many times I visit the gym a week, this was the heaviest things I have ever lifted. I carried my best friend in my hands, only to place him on the ground to be buried for the rest of eternity. Watching him be lowered into the ground was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Watching the casket slowly and tauntingly lower into the ground, all I wanted to do was yell. Yell at the universe, yell at myself. I was mad at everyone and everything and the only way to get rid of this horrible heavy feeling in my chest, is to talk to my best friend again. I realize now that I took everything for granted. I took for granted his smile, wether it was his tight lipped smile or his contagious toothy grin, I took for granted his voice. How the words flowed out of his mouth like the easiest thing ever. I took for granted his listening skills. How even if he had no idea what a conversation was about, he was interested and he wanted to hear every single word that came out of my mouth. I would do anything to not be shoveling dirt onto his casket. If only I had been able to help him, we would not be standing here, having to tell Spencer Reid’s story for him.

Derek Morgan will spend the rest of his life wondering where he went wrong and asking himself why he did nothing to stop his friend from taking his own life.


	7. Penelope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its not a longer chapter but I do have a really good ending for the story so......

It was a typical day for me. I got to work and was SO excited that my baby genius was coming home. When he wasn’t there I was a little confused, but it was the beginning of the work day, so I went into my bat cave and started working. I assumed Spencer had gotten to work but I hadn’t been out of my office all day so I had no idea. It was soon lunch time and I went into the break room to get my lunch. Thats when I noticed that Spencer hadn’t come in to the office yet. I asked Derek but he told me that JJ was on her way to check on him, thinking he over slept. God knows the genius needs his sleep and they’ll let him gets it as it comes with no interruption. Thats when boss man came onto the cat walk and yelled at us to get in the SUV. It was Spencer. JJ was on the other side crying over Spencer. None of us heard the conversation or asked Hotch what was going on, but we all knew it was Spencer. 

One thing I hate myself for doing until this day was going back. I went back after going to Spencers apartment. I had to catch a cab but I wasn’t able to stay and linger like the rest of them had.I saw his body and all rational left me. I left Spencer and my team to go back to the BAU. I went straight to my office. I immediately broke down crying. He’s Spencer. He’s the baby genius, my best friend. Or should I say he was my best friend. I decided to do what I do best, digging. I regret that for the rest of my life. I first went into Hotch’s phone and listened to the call he shared with JJ. It was raw, sad, and I don’t think I will ever get the sound of JJ screaming out of my head. I then went to look at Reids last calls and credit card charges. Of course his last phone call was to me. He was telling me about how he was looking forward to going to a Star Trek convention this weekend. I should have known when he was about to hang up. Our conversation ended with him overly declaring his love.

“Have fun!!! Tell me all about the convention RIGHT when you get home pleaseeeee?”

“Of course Garcia”

“Thanks boo wonder! Bye love you!”

“Penelope wait!”

I was caught off guard by him calling me Penelope but I somehow overlooked it. Im such an idiot sometimes.

“I love you Penelope. I love you so much and I just hope you know that because I think I don’t tell you often enough”

That should have been a sign but I just told him I loved him too and hung up. I hung up on my best friend, and he killed himself the next day. How could I ever forgive myself for that.

Spencers funeral was the worst day of my life. Yes, my parents dying was horrible, but I have lived through that pain and have recovered from it. This, this was the worst day of my life. Seeing Spencer being carried in his casket was hard enough as it is, but I had to see my best friends and his brothers carry him. Today was not a day for nick names, today was not a day for cute stuffed animals and funny coffee mugs. Today is a day that will only be remembered by a very small amount of people and that thought scares me. I silently promised Spencer something. I promised that he would be remembered. Wether it was by the team, or my eventual family, he will always be remembered and honored. One of my ways of honoring Spencer was by helping bury him. You may think that burying someone does nothing to honor them, but I was never going to leave his burial for some insensitive people that just want to get the job done. Derek was the only thing keeping me together. He has always been my glue, but for once, I had to keep him together. We spent the past week at each others apartments laying on the couch, holding each other just crying. I have never seen Derek more broken and vulnerable as he is now that his best friend and brother is dead. I look behind me to see Derek walking closer. As I turn around, I feel his arms wrap around me in the most protective, loving way and we walk to the car together to go home. 

Penelope Garcia spends the rest of her life surrounding herself with pictures of Spencer smiling to make sure that, even if nobody else does, she will remember him and his spirit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is going to be that last!!


	8. Chapter 8

Its been three years since Spencer Reid died. 3 long, hard, sad years. The BAU was never the same, nor were the people. Wherever they went, there was a cloud floating over their heads.  
Jennifer Jareau couldn’t bear waking up in the morning. One year after Spencer died, she decided to split up with will. The weight of not having her best friend too confide in was the heaviest it had ever been. She decided to leave her children with her ex husband and start dating the love of her life. Her kids, as much as she loved them, brought back too many memories of how Spence used to play with them. How he used too pull endless ribbons from behind their ears, or how he read to them when they wanted some uncle Spence time. Every once in a while, one of them would ask her when they were going to see him again. This always caused a downward spiral from her. After the 5th time, Will decided he’d had enough of it. He gave up on her and she gave up on fighting. The past two years since she has been with Emily have been good, under the circumstances. She struggles every morning to get out of bed and face the day before her. She cant stand sitting facing Spencers old desk and having to remind herself every day that he is not ever coming back. She visits his grave as much as possible. Wether its his birthday, halloween, or just a day she’s missing him, she never can bring herself to accept her life and move on. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel for Jennifer Jareau.

Aaron Hotchner keeps wondering why. Even after 3 years, he wonders why he did nothing to stop Spencer from killing himself. The unit chief has nightmares. He sees Spencer laying on the bathroom floor, dead. He keeps wondering how. How could he not have seen the signs. It is his job for god sakes. The past 3 years have had a tremendous toll on him. Jack could not understand the fact that Uncle Spencer was dead. He kept asking his dad why he was so sad and when Spencer was going to teach him those magic tricks like he promised. After being scolded at for asking about Spencer, he stopped asking and accepted the fact that he will most likely never see Spencer again. Aaron doesn’t sleep much anymore. When he has his nightmares about Spencer, he shoves them down and goes on as if nothing happens. If he is lucky enough, the nightmare will have woken him up after the sun so he has time for a long run to clear his head. When he runs, he pictures how life could have been if Spencer was still alive. How if he was at work when Aaron arrived at the office that day, everything would be ok. He shakes his head as if it will help him shake the thought away. Aaron has become more distant the past three years. Wether its because he blames himself for what Spencer did, or its because he knows that if he gems too close he will spill his emotions, but it concerns his team members. He always wonders what life could have been if he just paid attention.

David Rossi questions his relationships now. He questions how close he is with people.He also ruins his relationships. David Rossi cant help using his profiling skills to figure out what his closest friends and family are feeling and this ends up being the one thing that separates him from everyone he loves. There was one main rule about being part of the behavioral analysis unit, that he himself had made, and now he has been disrespecting that. No profiling your teammates. He cant help it though. David feels the need to get inside his teammates heads and figure out what they are thinking and why they’re all so sad. Deep down he knows how wrong he is for doing so. After about a year and a half of staring out of his window, profiling his friends, they started isolating themselves from him. They keep there distance in order for him to not get too invested in them, for his sake and theirs. Davids intentions backfired on him, and now he is even farther emotionally from his team. Over the past months, they stop talking to him unless it is case related. They don’t go over to his mansion for team dinners, they don’t go to him for advice like a child would to a father, they don’t confide their feelings in him. He spent so much time analyzing their thoughts and behavior that he has burned all of the bridges of trust between them and tries to fix that every day. There is not a day that goes by that David Rossi believes he is strong enough to be there for his team and actually help them the way he wants.

Emily Prentiss resents herself. She has since that day in August when Spencer killed himself. She always thinks about what would have been if she was in quantize not London. What would have happened if Spencer knew she was there for him and didn’t kill himself. If she could go back, Emily would have gone to every single weird convention or foreign play with him. She would do anything just to have another minute with Spencer. She came back to the BAU just after Spencer killed himself. She knew that she needed the familiar support and they needed her too. About a year after his death, JJ left Will. He was a great husband, but just want the one for JJ. I was. I always have been. We told ourselves that it wouldn’t happen yet here we are, laying on my couch, just holding each other as we cry. Today marks two years since Spencer died. Two years of living hell. Nothing has been right. Going to work is like a burden for her. Having to be at work and not having Reid rattling off facts all day is so hard. Its hard not joking around with him. Emily has toughed through two years without him and now it marks three years. It seems like she forgetting what his voice sounds like. She can hear it in her mind, but it has been so long since shes heard him, seen him, or just held him. She tries so hard every day not to forget his voice yet its getting harder and harder by the day. Relationships and work will never be the same for Emily Prentiss and she will never get too close to anyone, in fear of losing them.

Derek Morgan struggles to get up every day and enjoy life. No matter what he is doing or where he is going, Spencer is always in the back of his mind. When Derek is woken up in the morning by his alarm clock, he wonders why he is here another day. There are days when he even understand where Spencer got the idea of suicide. He feels like there is no point to living another day because it is painful to wake up, eat, sleep. When one year came around after Spencers death, Derek made his first suicide attempt. He took his razor from the handle and made his first cut. It took him back to the time after Carl Buford would take him up to the cabin and sexually assault Derek. The second time he did it, it knocked him unconscious for several minutes. It was the first time since Spencer had died that he felt at peace and content with his life. That was until he saw it. He saw Spencer. Spencer was standing there, looking down on Derek with his big smile. As soon as he started talking, Derek could tell the tears were streaming down his face. “Derek, what are you doing here?!?! You aren’t supposed to be here for a while. Derek you need to go back, its not your time yet” That was the last time he ever tried to kill himself. It wasn’t his time yet. Derek needed to do something about this. About two and a half years after Spencer passed, Derek started and organization for teens and young adults suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts. Although life is not the same without Spencer, he had to memorialize him somehow and named the organization Reiding for Life. It was a way for children to read books and be matched with a counselor to help understand their feelings and have someone to look up to for support. The question of where Derek Morgan went wrong still reigns over him like a tattoo, but he uses it for good and tries to help people in the best way he can.

Penelope Garcia was never the same after Spencers death, but nobody would know that. She had learned how to cover her grief and still be the bubbly tech analyst that everyone knew and loved. After a year, Penelope had so many photos of Spencer covering her walls that an unknowing eye would think its a shrine or Penelope’s husband. This was her way of coping. However, she had changed drastically the past three years. Penelope no longer comes out of her bat cave often. If people need her, they call or email, and when Derek needs her, they meet after work at his apartment. Its too much for Penelope to go into the bullpen and see the desk that was formerly her best friends desk. She has too many memories for herself to process and decides that the best way to ignore them is to just stop doing things that remind her of him. Penelope spends most of her time behind a computer playing a virtual game because that is the only thing keeping her mind off of Spencer. When she sleeps, she has dreams of him. She has dreams of going to Star Trek conventions, eating chocolates with him after a stressful day at work, she even daydreams about him walking through the door of her office. That is all she has left of him. The figment of her imagination often gets the best of her and she becomes overwhelmed with grief of an old friend, but the bubbly, happy facade stands strong for those she loves. Penelope Garcia will never pass another opportunity to tell her friends she loves them, worried that she never will again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thats it!! I hope you all liked it! comments and requests are always welcomed <33


End file.
